I keep a flashlight next to my bed in case the power goes out in the middle of the night. It’s within reach and makes it easy to see if I need to get up. At least until Cleco comes out and fixes the lines.
But the last few weeks the darkness that set in was one no power company could manage. I’m not even sure how the outage occurred.
It started with an illness—one of Satan’s favorite weapons against me. At first, I just rested. Self-care is important to me and while I don’t like slowing down, I will allow myself time to recover when sick.
Only I didn’t get better.
One thing led to another and the physical illness turned into mental anguish. What’s wrong with me, I wondered. My nervous system went haywire and—with emotions bubbling at the surface—grief returned with a vengeance. Before long there was not a sliver of light left. I was depressed, and to make matters worse, I was so physically depleted I couldn’t even safely drive.
I wasn’t sure if home had become my sanctuary or my prison.
Even worse, I couldn’t even find the words to pray.
But I had another flashlight stowed away. The word of God was written on my heart. (Jeremiah 31:33) If I couldn’t say the words with my mouth, my heart knew what to say to my mind.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Then my deductive reasoning kicked in.
This was a baffling illness, some sorrow, and a lot of anxiety. My life had once been a total dumpster fire and the Lord had not only seen me through the flames, He forged a new life from the ashes that I absolutely adore.
He has seen me through worse.
He would see me through this.
If I can’t see, I just need to keep the flashlight in my heart on.
Today the pendulum finally swung back.
I went to a school show of a local theatre production. The energy of the students in the audience was contagious and I found myself stronger as if by osmosis. I love musicals and this one—Frozen—was one of the best I’ve ever seen.
I left happy, but still not quite myself. My body was dehydrated and sorely lacking nutrition. Two bags of IV fluids later followed by a small meal and I felt like a Ferris wheel in an abandoned amusement park who’d been plugged in after decades in the dark. The world grew brighter, my vision grew sharper, and I felt…normal. For the first time in weeks.
When you stop feeling like yourself for an extended period, the return to normalcy feels like a gift. One that you appreciate more than ever.
Sometimes the darkness comes through no fault of our own. Sometimes it settles on us for so long that we wonder if we will ever be okay again. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel…and joy will always come in the morning.
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