faith unfaded

I reconnected with an old friend at a funeral yesterday. Despite the somber setting, we had a great conversation and enjoyed catching up. One of the things we discussed was the peace that came with living for the Lord instead of running from Him.

Later, I started thinking about that. I’d thought running from the Lord was the worst time in my life. I was wrong. Trying to serve both God and Satan at the same time was.

There was no doubt I was grieving the Holy Spirit, though I couldn’t see it at the time. I’d become aware of some spiritual gifts the Lord had placed in me, and was operating in them. I foolishly believed the Lord was okay with me also being a rebellious Jonah, or fiery Jeremiah, or even a pre-repentant David. I thought my irascible spirit and unbridled tongue gave me a spark.

It did, indeed. A spark that dang near threatened to burn me alive.

I’d had lunch with Joanna, an old friend shortly after I’d moved back to town. I’d told her I was fine, and was indignant when she remained skeptical.

“I’ve seen your Facebook posts…” she started. I’m pretty sure that was Exhibit A to refute my claims of being right with the Lord. 🤣

At that point, my Facebook account had been a bipartisan town meeting. The Holy Spirit spoke through my posts—even in the midst of the madness, my words were authentic and eloquent—but I gave Satan the mic for the Reels.

They were vicious.

“Oh, I’m just blowing off steam in the Reels. You can’t pay attention to those,” I’d said.

How in the world did I think people could hear a prophetic word out of one side of my mouth while the other side was spewing evil?!

I left lunch that day feeling convicted. My dueling Facebook personas hadn’t been a conscious decision—in fact, it wasn’t until that conversation that I truly realized what was happening.

No one can serve two masters. Matthew 6:24

God hadn’t given me special permission to remain combative and temperamental. I simply hadn’t shut doors to the devil. 

A backslidden friend had said, “Welcome to the gray.”

There is no gray with God, by the way.

1 John 1:5 says, This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all.

Once you’ve added that first speck of black to a gallon of white paint, you begin to create shades of gray.

Once you add one sin to walking in the Spirit, you begin to walk in darkness.

Trying to operate in the so-called gray nearly destroyed me. There’s little repentance when you think you’re okay with God—or worse, when you think He’s okay with you.

Standing fully in the light—running to the Lord with outstretched arms and nothing hidden behind me—is the greatest freedom I’ve ever known.

There’s not a single speck of black worth muddying that picture.