faith unfaded

Many know my story but the details grow less important as the years go on for I made my peace with my past a long time ago. In short, my innocence was shattered at the start of high school and the ensuing pain caused me to erupt with the fury of a hurricane.

I’m not exaggerating; at my ten year reunion a classmate’s description of me stomping down the halls with a Pig Pen-style cloud of anger permeating a wide berth was shockingly accurate.

I’d thought I was a too-cool-for-school mean girl. I was actually a devastated child who threw up anger as a defense mechanism and learned to mass destruct proactively. You couldn’t hurt me if I hurt you first.

It became a constant war with my fragile heart and I numbed the pain however I could.

As time progressed and past events grew dimmer in the rear view of my mind, I began to view my high school years more pragmatically. Benignly encouraging younger students to ignore negativity and believe in themselves was healing. Sharing details with teen girls as prevention and to assuage guilt was therapeutic.

I didn’t realize until this week that the lesson wasn’t over.

I’d joked about being in my Taylor Swift Reputation era for months. From the exiled pastor’s wife navigating single life for the first time since 1989, I laughed about the similarities.

Until it wasn’t funny anymore.

The rumors that had piled up were unyielding, having a grain of truth that allowed sneak attacks a foothold in my once-again tormented mind. Some were easier to dismiss than others but the weight of the words from the mouths closest to me threatened to prove fatal at times.

Just like freshman year, I had developed a mostly unwarranted reputation. Years of love, light, and innocence erased instantaneously. I might’ve tossed the match but the wood had been stacked and primed for me.

This time, though, some defended me. They knew me. Character outweighs reputation, they’d say. The character of a 54-year old held more weight than that of a precocious teen.

Still, some chose to believe the lies. Some decided I still owed penance. Some thought I’d become selfish or delusional.

Unfortunately I became one of them.

Back then, I’d thrown out my college catalogs and abandoned my dreams of a bright future. I struggled to just get by for many years. Building a career and a family helped me regain some self-worth, but this value was always measured in what I did, not who I was.

But last year the collision of my heart, mind, and soul brought me to a place of euphoria and acceptance I hadn’t felt since childhood. I finally liked me, LinkedIn and family albums aside, and nothing would derail that.

Until I began reliving my freshman year.

My newfound freedom and soul-soaring flight came to a grinding halt as false rumors spread and my actual mistakes were used as grenades tossed at my feet. I followed my old playbook, internalizing pain to depths no human should ever go before having to release its fury, the force of its fire capable of blazing a small village.

(I always burn with an unrivaled intensity, my flames providing either great warmth or mass destruction.)

But realizing the opportunity to redo one of my biggest life regrets woke me up.

How many times did I tell my students not to worry about what others say? How many friends did I sit with and assure they were so much more than the ugly words being said?

Why was I always so much kinder to others than myself?

I wasn’t falling for this again. I won’t throw out my dreams this time because I foolishly let negative words change me. I am a grown woman who will not react like a child. I am someone who deserves everything she desires.

Besides, I’ve got to develop thicker skin in this industry. Rejections are the norm and aren’t personal. In my personal life, if it’s someone deliberately saying mean things, me perceiving something as an insult that isn’t, or me just not getting my way, I have to get over it. Immediately.

My visit to Dick’s Last Resort on the San Antonio Riverwalk helped with that greatly.

There’s nothing quite like paying for someone to treat you like crap to realize the absurdity of it all. If we can laugh (AND zing back) in such a safe place, we can learn how to let go of some of these hurts and just be free.