faith unfaded

When I heard the opening verse of Casting Crowns’ new song over 20 years ago, time stood still. She had been me.

🎶She is running
A hundred miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon’s ever-widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older and she’s three more steps behind

I didn’t know that I’d end up returning to that version of myself many more times before finally settling in to who I’d been designed to be.

Along the way, the chorus would echo in my head.

🎶Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

Before I left Mississippi, I told people for three years I was drowning. The responsibilities were mounting. Serious concerns I raised were met with laughter and derisively attributed to a lack of faith. Meanwhile I struggled to hold it all together not just for myself, but for the wellbeing of several others. I felt like the token pack mule. I was being crushed under the weight of it.

🎶 Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me

If the present was hard and the worries about the future were even harder, trauma from the past reemerged and almost did me in. I had to reexamine it all.

🎶 She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

How many times had I done that in my life? And what’s worse…I was beginning to think my husband of 23 years had been just another “Prince Charming.” Nearly a quarter of a century as a pastor’s wife and I’d found myself farther from the Lord than I’d ever been.

🎶 If judgment looms under every steeple
With lofty glances from lofty people

I ended up villainized. I was the one they whispered about and pointed fingers at. I was the recipient of their gossip and lies.

But as they clutched their pearls and went home to their secret sins, I brought mine out in the open. I healed loudly. I made big changes. I made sure I was seen. And finally heard.

I found that hope that’s tucked away in so many others. The hope that became a tiny flint I now use to help others find the hope they’d lost.

And when I walk into a room — whether it’s a church, store, or anywhere else — I see people. When they talk, I listen.

Because I know what it looks like to run a hundred miles in the wrong direction.

Does Anybody Hear Her (Casting Crowns, 2005)

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?

https://youtu.be/OEhRucEVzH8?si=uc1FNEyUEjb72KFu