faith unfaded

I try hard not to offend people. It is never my desire to hurt anyone, my own fragile heart having been shattered mercilessly over the years. Nor do I throw my beliefs in others’ faces. I live an authentic life unapologetically and am outspoken in my beliefs, but I never use my faith to attack or condemn others.

I’ve been down so many dead end streets and hit so many rock bottoms that—to quote Lainey Wilson—my halo’s kinda bent.

So I’m genuinely thrown when I realize that I’ve upset someone. And it’s happened more than once. A close friend who decided to stop inviting me to her events because she just “wasn’t feeling” me anymore. A relative who quietly unfriended me, though I can still see that every other family member is still friends with her.

And today, perhaps the most puzzling rejection of all.

I create a list of community events each month for a local magazine. I have a checklist where I make sure I include the events for local restaurants, museums, entertainment venues, nonprofits, dance studios, and more. Most are appreciative of the free publicity, and community members like having a comprehensive, chronological list in one place.

I call it my labor of love.

I know many of the people whose events I promote, others I know only through chatting. Others still I’ve never even spoken to, but I believe in their mission and want to include their activities.

The latter is one that left me scratching my head and protecting my heart today. I was searching for February activities for a local non-profit dance studio. I couldn’t get it to pop up. Nor could I find the woman who runs it. Maybe she took a Facebook break, I initially thought. Turns out I’d been blocked from her personal page as well as this community webpage.

For a consummate people-pleaser, this threw me. I’d done nothing but encourage and support this group. What had I done wrong?! My feelings were hurt while my self-preservation went into overdrive: Well, that’s one last organization on my checklist that I don’t have to include, I told myself.

But still I spiraled.

I don’t get it, Lord. Not only have I missed out on loved ones’ milestones, but now I’m being rejected by someone that doesn’t even know me. Someone I’ve done nothing but help for months. It’s not fair.

It’s safe to say I had a mini-pity party in my head in which the ghosts of all the others who’ve walked out of my life arrived as well.

Some will be offended by you.

That’s all He said. No more, no less. I knew the unspoken question: Are you going to continue on anyway or not?

I shrugged my shoulders. I am. It was not even a debate. The conversation was over.

I wish I could be more like my sister. She could not care less if someone doesn’t like her. I try to adopt that mentality. Ghost me? Bye. Block me? I’m outta here.

No, I have to work through an entire maze of self-doubt while reliving conversations and playing detective to figure out what went wrong before I finally land on finding my self-worth within. Eventually, I walk on, knowing that someone else’s opinions of me don’t change my life one iota.

We all stand before One in the end. And that’s the only “block” that truly matters.