faith unfaded

This popped up in my memories today from exactly two years ago. It was the day I arrived at the Abbey of Gethsemani for the first time — the day my life as I knew it completely changed and the Lord took the reins. My marriage of twenty-three years was ending, my home had become a war zone, and my mind felt like its own battlefield. Yet reading this now, I’m reminded that even when I was at my absolute lowest, the Holy Spirit was still in charge. Jesus wasn’t waiting for me to get it together — He was already at the wheel.

October 23, 2023

I know it wasn’t the ideal way to handle things. I said that the whole time. I battled demons in silence for years. When I finally found my voice, I went from being a mouthpiece for Christ to a clanging cymbal. I’ve been fully aware of this for a few weeks.

To be honest, I don’t find it much worse than smiling through a wall of depression every Sunday while barely existing in silence the rest of the week.

I just couldn’t keep battling it in the darkness. I brought stuff to light, not just in my marriage but in my past as well. It worked. 40 years of stuff is being broken.

But while telling my truth to address my own strongholds, others got entangled.

The ensuing battles caused previous trauma coping mechanisms to reemerge. I have a psych degree. I know the symptoms and behaviors. I watched two close friends struggle with this. There’s still some residual damage.

This will be the same for me. I will have a testimony but it will be tainted. I will lose friends.

I was willing to take that chance instead of succumbing to the darkness in silence and having no testimony at all. It was a calculated risk.

This is not a marital battle. It is a spiritual one. It always has been.

Fight for Christ, not for me.

I head back to the Abbey next month for the third time, a gorgeous monastery with a retreat house in Trappist, Kentucky. This visit will be different— it will be a time of creating, communing, and giving thanks to the Lord. I can think of no better place to spend Thanksgiving this year.