faith unfaded

Some people hear God more clearly in church. For me, it’s a swimming pool. Lying in the water, with nothing between me and the heavens above, I hear the Lord with astounding clarity.

But something was a little off today. Nothing major, more like an out-of-place coaster on an interior decorator’s coffee table. I don’t like anything to be askew in my relationship with God, an OCD need for all to remain in perfect order. One loose thread can cause an unraveling that leads to a mental health spiral.

I knew there were things in several of my relationships that were causing me grief. I was coming to terms with the fact that some situations may never be mended. Sometimes love isn’t enough and you have to accept that you’ll always be the villain to some people.

While this is heartbreaking and I can’t even pretend to say that I’ve made peace with this, I have learned that the only relationship I have control over- and the one that truly matters the most- is my relationship with God. It is how I withstand the torture of unrequited maternal love.

But something was amiss. There was interference in that space between God and me and I couldn’t figure it out. I am careful to keep doors closed to sin. I know the Lord isn’t angry with me (a lie Satan used to convince me of) so what is it? I know the difference between an evil dart flung into my mind and the tumbling conviction within me. This was definitely the latter.

Then the Lord showed me someone dabbing in a red and white tracksuit.

Dabbing?!

“That’s you,” He said. “Your arms are pointed toward me but your head is buried. You are hurt and think you’re protecting yourself by shielding your face.”

It was a clear picture that I understood at once. I don’t want to turn my eyes from Him
for He is the one I should be looking at. Jesus never got upset at the people who turned from Him. He never sought retaliation and He never took His eyes off the Father.

He didn’t dab!

It was until a few hours later that I realized there was significance in the red and white tracksuit as well. Red is the part of my life covered by the blood of Jesus. White is the holiness and righteousness that comes from following Him faithfully. Perhaps the tracksuit symbolizes that I’m to keep running, fulfilling the Great Commission no matter what. Otherwise I’d have seen red and white pajamas!