faith unfaded

Sometimes I read a passage in my daily Bible journaling that is so profound, I must expound! Today was one such day…

Psalm 116 is my life in a nutshell, particularly the last couple of years. It describes my past, my present, and my future. It explains why I am unapologetic in the way I live my life and unashamed to share my faith.

As Lettie Lutz sang in The Greatest Showman:

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Psalm 116 explains WHY this is me and for the first time, I saw an old verse in a new light.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!” v. 1-4

I’d reached a breaking point two years ago. On the outside I was doing everything right. I was in ministry; I thought my works were enough. But inside I was miserable. Death and destruction entangled me. Past trauma tormented me. I listened to Jelly Roll’s Save Me on repeat. I finally turned off the radio and cried out to God to help me.

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. v. 5-6

This confirms what I said even then. I was in a tornado, a mental breakdown, but I knew God was right there. “I don’t know what’s happening but whatever it is, it’s happening at the feet of Jesus,” I said over and over.

“When I was brought low..” Sometimes it’s not the devil but GOD who brings us to a place we need to be so that we turn to Him.

Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living. v. 7-9

Once delivered from darkness, peace was restored in my heart. My frequent crying spells subsided and I stopped stumbling. I came alive again.

I trusted in the Lord when I said,
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
in my alarm I said,
    “Everyone is a liar.” v. 10-11

The KJV version uses the word HASTE in place of alarm. In either case, whether it was fear or the hastiness in the absence of a sound mind, I trusted no one. I found fault with all.

I was wrong.

Discernment and wisdom are quite different from distrust and false accusations.

What shall I return to the Lord
    for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people. v. 12-14

Once I was set free from the pain of the past, I saw God in all His goodness once again. I could not thank Him enough. But this thank you would take more than words, it required actions. And not random works sprinkled here and there but standing fully in the spotlight, honoring my commitment to the Lord to live a chaste, pure life fully in the light for all to see.

Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his faithful servants. v. 15

This was always just a comforting funeral verse to me. Reading it today, for the first time I realized that it also refers to us dying to ourselves. When I let go of everything, all my plans and hopes and dreams and sincerely asked what HE wanted for me instead, I died to myself. I firmly believe that I’m living the life of my wildest dreams now not because I wanted it bad enough, but because I wanted Him more.

Truly I am your servant, Lord;
    I serve you just as my mother did;
    you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
    and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord—
    in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord. v. 16-19

I lift Him up in praise and thanksgiving, living an authentic life where I don’t have to differentiate my faith from other areas of my life. My faith is the starring role in my life, the rest is merely the supporting cast!