faith unfaded

I have a hard time fully severing ties, even when I know I should. It’s why I still reach out to “friends” when they prove to be anything but. It’s why I have a difficult time completely walking away from even the most toxic relationships.

I asked the Lord for a verse to help me sever these ties completely and He led me to Romans 16:17-20.

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I rejoice because of you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil. The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.

For 16 verses prior to this, Paul sends greetings and godly encouragement to others in the faith. This I do well.

But for those who cause division and serve themselves, I continually put myself in the line of fire. It is becoming a hindrance in my walk.

I don’t always share details of those who’ve wronged me, choosing to privately seek resolution as commanded in Matthew 18:15. When they don’t receive me, I go one of two ways.

Never take your own revenge, dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. Romans 12:19

Or…

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17

And I don’t mind manning that spotlight.

I can usually get past a friend’s betrayal and find forgiveness, though once a friend lies they are never trusted again.

Similarly, I had a meeting once with a church pastor that was going well after some troubling events. I’d laid some preconceived notions and hurt down until the eleventh hour of the meeting when an assistant knocked on the door with a pre-planned, fictional appointment reminder. I felt played.

But the hardest ones to get past are those I must deal with on a continual basis.

Like my son-in-law who lives next door. He is rude and treats me like the gum beneath his shoe. He refuses to acknowledge my presence whether in a group setting or if we pass each other in the driveway. I have tried to be the bigger person and speak first but he ignores me. There’s always a conflict with someone in the family and ever since I moved home, it’s been me.

I’ve prayed; I’ve tried to kill him with kindness; and I’ve waited patiently. He is not interested in a relationship, constantly seeking to create division between me and other family members. I think it’s time to follow God’s direction on this but it’s hard to fully sever a tie when the offender is married to your child.

A tie that WAS fully severed was by my former stepson. While that is understandable in a divorce, he had assured me that I would always be a part of the lives of the four grandchildren I’d spent almost twenty years devoting myself to. When the care of his father, now with full-blown dementia, fell on him he became overwhelmed and angry and cut off all contact with me, cutting me out of the grandkids’ lives as well.

Or maybe he thought with me out of the picture, his role in the demise of my marriage would never come to light. Spoiler alert: what’s done in darkness ALWAYS comes to light.

His father, my second husband, is another one I’m having trouble fully severing ties with. You don’t always stop caring about someone when you leave and his dementia worries me for him. I keep him blocked on my phone most of the time because the manipulation is still there.

Plus he’s completely convinced he’s in a relationship now with “Sandra Bullock” and was sending me messages meant for her. (Technology was never his strong suit.) No one can convince him she’s not real- or the dozen or so other celebrities he talks to daily. It is both sad and infuriating because for 23 years I lived with the pride that opened THAT door.

I was reminded this morning of the last exchange we had when I left two years ago. There were major issues- on both our parts- and I no longer felt safe with him or with myself. I needed to get away and get help. He came to my car window and I braced myself. Whether the words were heartbreak or anger, I wasn’t sure I could handle them. I was not at all prepared for what he had to say.

His final words to me that day were, “I want you to know that I can get anyone to cook and clean for me but I want you.” He later told me he thought I’d be flattered.

😳😳😳 Twenty-three years of marriage and he was fighting to hold on to a cook and a housekeeper. 🤷‍♀️

I may not have to be the one shining a light on people but I’m not going to be the one holding the curtain up to cover their darkness either. When the ties are severed, the curtain falls.