faith unfaded

I’ve been posting a snippet from a worship song every morning on the Facebook thought bubble over my profile pic. Every evening before I go to bed, I select a song and search for an accompanying verse. Last night the song I’d chosen- Big Daddy Weave’s My Story– went with many verses but the passage I ended up selecting was Psalm 139. All of it.

The Psalm of David shares how God knows us, from before we were born to our innermost thoughts today. How He goes before us and remains with us. He is with us in our darkest hours and most joyous celebrations.

It is MY STORY, the story not just of my life but a life lived tethered to Him.

I recently had a unpleasant experience with someone who insisted that I couldn’t have known God as a child, that my true salvation didn’t come until I surrendered everything to Him and didn’t take it back again. She was adamant that once true salvation set in, you’d never turn away again.

I disagree.

I grew up singing the popular hymn “I Surrender All.” I knew what I was doing when I gave my heart to Jesus. I knew what surrender meant.

I also struggled mightily at times. Unresolved trauma left me seeking ways to numb the pain. Control allowed me to prevent future trauma. Had I not known the Lord, I wouldn’t have known to try and hide my face from Him in the midst of my sin and disobedience.

Only I was never truly hidden from His sight.

He was always there, in my times of joy and my times of sorrow. He was there when I needed Him and He was there when I thought I didn’t.

Many parents of grown children understand that feeling of having to love your child from afar, as they begin thinking they don’t need you as much. They are no less your children during their times of independence as we are to God when we foolishly forget His importance in our lives.

But this passage is a Psalm of deep longing for the Lord. David has realized the error of his ways and the magnitude of God’s love for him. I dug even deeper into this chapter by also reading the Message Bible translation:

God, investigate my life;
    get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
    even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
    I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
    before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
    then up ahead and you’re there, too—
    your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
    I can’t take it all in!

I love being in a relationship with someone who knows me so well. Someone whose love is unconditional. Someone who will never leave or withhold His love in anger. He is always there.

On my end, I cannot even begin to describe the difference in knowing I stand proudly in front of the Lord in full spotlight. No little white lies, no hiding vices, no impurity. Search me, try me…

I’m not saying I’m perfect. While there are no outward sins, I must keep a tight rein on my thoughts. I work hard to fight bitterness and anger when I encounter people like the woman above. I’ve been called delusional and maniacally hyper-religious as well.

It’s all spiritual warfare but none of that matters when our focus is on Christ. For it is not them who we direct the final verses of the passage to, it is the Lord.

v. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
v. 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

For many years, I’ve wanted to hear Matthew 25:23. Not just on Judgement Day but every day of my life. It took some work, some goodbyes, and some letting go. But it is an honor now to hear at the end of each day,

Well done, My good and faithful servant.