faith unfaded

My life was this box full of broken pieces. Divorce, parenting failures, sexual trauma, loss of control, addiction, eating disorders, depression…

When I was doing good, I was serving the Lord, and I put the lid on all these broken pieces.

When I was doing bad, I played in them, cutting myself on their jagged edges.

And it never stopped filling up. Anxiety, anger, divorce number 2, public mental health breakdown (that was a big one)…

The box grew heavier and heavier and became hard to close.

Then came the year I call the “Tornado Spun Off a Hurricane Followed By a Tsunami” year. And all those broken pieces started swirling around me.

I was ducking and dodging…and scared. I was a disciple in the boat with Jesus. I knew He was there- but I still thought I might not survive.

The pieces came out one by one. They all had a name. Addiction. (Written on the back of the jewel aka broken piece and peeled off)

It was no longer a stumblingblock but a testimony to help others in their addiction. (Stick jewel on side of the box)

Control…that had been hard. I’d been molested as a child and I needed to hold on tightly to control so nothing bad would happen to me or my loved ones. Only bad things still happened and the control left me in bondage. It was time to let God take the reins.

Matthew 11:29-30 tells us to take His yoke and put it upon us for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. But you can’t put His yoke on and try to be the lead ox!

Anger (continue peeling off each label, putting the jewels on the box). Every hurt, every trauma, every sin…everything done TO me and everything done BY me. Every mistake, every stronghold (fear, ptsd, depression, guilt, regret, shame, a child departing from the faith, three attempted murders on my life, the murderous spirit I harbored in my own heart…)

He took them all out, casting my sins as far as the east is from the west, but some of the things that had happened TO me? They were always going to be a part of me but they were now in the light.

I choose to take my skeletons out for a daily parade. That’s my choice and not necessary for everyone. But you must bring them out of the darkness. Their power grows there.

He even pulled one of my bigger pieces out and held it up to the light in such a way that I saw it differently for the first time in 40 years!

It was my freshman year of high school and I’d been one of only two freshmen selected for the Debate Squad. I was very smart- but very naive and innocent- and all I wanted was to be popular and become a cheerleader.

The junior and senior boys on the Debate Squad DATED cheerleaders so I’d asked them how to become a cheerleader and be popular.…their plan was one that started in the back of the Debate van on the way home from tournaments…I was clueless. I’d only had one kiss at that point and just had a Pac-Man birthday party the month before!

That was the catalyst for years of drug use, illegal ones in high school and prescription pills as I got older. (Let me tell you…drugs in the medicine cabinet are no less addicting than cocaine on the street.)

They’d robbed me of my planned valedictorian speech, my reputation, and my future. I forgave them when my own son became a teenager and I began to understand teenage boys a little better. But I still saw them as the CAUSE to my effect.

But when the Lord held that broken piece up and it caught the light a little differently than usual, I gasped. They hadn’t been the ones to destroy my life; I’d traded it in for a chance to be popular. My desire to be a cheerleader trumped my desire to serve Christ.

They were wrong, for sure, but so was I.

As each piece came out, I felt a little lighter inside. That heavy burden of sorrow was being lifted.

Psalm 30:5 says Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

He helped me sort through the memories- and what I call my traumas and triggers- like we were deep cleaning that one closet you shove everything into.

Everything is in its place now, like rows of shoeboxes in my mind, labeled for future use. If someone needs a red pump in a size 7, I’ll pull the memory out and share a story of hope. But I’ve given Him control of my mind.

The broken pieces were now on the outside of me in a beautiful new design. Like this box, my life had become a shining mirrorball. I wasn’t sparkling despite my past, I was sparkling BECAUSE of it.

God had taken all of my broken pieces and made them beautiful.

Jeremiah 17:14 in the MSG Bible says, God pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!

(Activity of participants writing on jewels, peeling off each label as they lay them at the cross, then adding jewels to their boxes follows. Once finished, the box seals up with a butterfly on the lid reminding them of 2 Corinthians 5:17)