faith unfaded

This is one of the chapters in my book and it describes the year the Lord shook everything up in my life, made me reexamine every trauma done TO me and every sin done BY me, and set me back down on the rock with a righted mind and quieted soul.

While the chapter goes into a few details, there was much that wasn’t included. It was, after all, an entire year and I had to sum it up in a few pages. Plus it was painfully raw and is often hard- and a little embarrassing- to revisit.

But I’m nothing if not authentic and it’s the reason I decided to leave up some rather ungodly posts from that time period. I won’t whitewash the past or scrub my socials because, if anything, it’s proof that you can go through an absolute mental breakdown and make terrible mistakes and still be restored.

I don’t revisit those posts, however, and I hadn’t reread the journal I kept during that time period. I wasn’t sure I wanted to read what 2023 me wrote. But I sat down to read it today, after spending time reading His words first.

I was surprised at the clarity of some of my thoughts even in the midst of the year I call a tornado spun off a hurricane followed by a tsunami.

Here are a few entries, edited for length:

10/23/23 It’s been 7 months since the Lord asked me if I wanted to live. It was a fair question. I’d been merely existing for years. Now I’m sitting at a monastery in Kentucky listening to Father Carlos speak to me and 30 others gathered for this silent retreat. “This is not a time for mending relationships. It’s a time to get alone with God,” he shared. How long has it been since I’ve truly done that?

10/25/23 I feel stuff “detoxing” out of my body. Not like a chemical detox, this is spiritual. It’s a purification of so many things. I’m nowhere near where He wants me to be but I know I’m closer today than I was yesterday

10/27/23 I absolutely 100% cannot believe where I am: Writing at a bagel cafe in Nashville! I just pulled over on my way home and I feel like I’ve just glimpsed into my future as the writer I’d wanted to be since I was a kid. It’s the stuff of my dreams- but could this be my new reality?

11/3/23 As embarrassing as it is to return to my hometown a twice-divorced middle aged grandmother who is having to move in with Mommy and Daddy, I can’t help but feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.

11/6/23 Thank God for connections like (a woman I met in Texas) because I don’t know if I’d still be alive. I’ve threatened to burn something down, smash my phone with my tires, and banged on a cash register in the Electronic Dept of Walmart while looking directly at the camera to make someone come help me. As scared as I should be of Texas justice, I just don’t give a (flip) right. I’ve never felt so (bleeping) alone.

11/8/23 I didn’t realize how mad I was until I found myself seriously yelling at a donkey this morning.

11/9/23 I have never been this happy. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why am I (messing) this up in my head? Maybe I actually do deserve happiness.

11/11/23 “They’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one…” Yes, Taylor, they are lighting me up back in Mississippi. Thank goodness for Joey. He pointed out that character outweighs reputation and he and Karen support me. They know what I did for the community and what I’ve done for them. Sad that those I helped the most turned and rended me like swine.

11/12/23 I still feel like a crazy psycho sometimes. “Does a scorpion sting when fighting back?” I mean, I really want to hurt people. I get really, really angry. I’ve got to chill. I don’t want to go to jail. I don’t want to throw away my future for revenge. I’ll get my revenge when I write my book. Dang, no I won’t. The book isn’t for revenge. It’s for leading others to Christ. Dang. This is where Taylor and I differ. She gets to pen her revenge and I have to let mine go.

11/19/23 I’m quietly licking my wounds. I have exactly two friends left who will give me the time of day. I drove from Texas to Mississippi to get my stuff then back to Louisiana Thursday. I called everyone I knew in Baton Rouge for somewhere to spend the night, or even a couch to take a nap because I couldn’t afford a hotel room. There was no room at the inn anywhere! I get it- it’s easier to love me from afar right now- but it still hurt. I ended up sleeping in my car in a Circle K parking lot. This is breaking my spirit.

12/22/23 I know the things that are separating me from fully following Christ and I don’t want to give either up. Something has to give.

1/28/24 I know people are tired of my spirals. Just because I can now verbalize it doesn’t mean people are more receptive to it. But it does mean I’m responsibly and proactively seeking to manage my mental health. Some people actively work with me like Dad and Sherri. Others try but they have their own issues (leading me to unfairly question their love) while others are more neutral (they got their own stuff to deal with I know). Some still operate as flat-out enemies.

2/11/24 It’s been a good Sunday. Things started to get a little bad again but I wouldn’t allow myself to spiral.

2/19/24 My secular writing is a talent from God. My faith writing is Holy Spirit-inspired fire. It is “good” versus “God” writing. Both are good but always prioritize faith writing.

2/25/24 Hurt lives in my gut. God was trying to show me truth and calm me down but I chose to embrace the hurt and spiral a little first. The longer hurt stays, the heavier it grows. This is not bearing the burdens of a hurt world. THAT comes with His yoke and is light. This is aggravated burglary by Satan. I must do a better job at activating my spiritual alarm system.

7/22/24 I put this journal away after getting things right with the Lord and laying down those last few “vices” aka sins. I knew it had been laden with profanity, anger, and mental health spirals but I couldn’t let it end on a bad note. I love this season of my life, alone with the Lord and feeling PURE. I lost that feeling at a very young age and I’m cherishing it now. I’m back at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky for the second year, a full-circle moment for me. So much has changed in my life, in my heart, and in my mind. The biggest thing is I surrendered fully to Him. My life, my thoughts, my past, my will…and in turn, He has given me everything I’ve always dreamed of and more. I have peace where there once was nothing but chaos. I have joy where it used to be mostly sorrow. My mind is calm…and still. I will now spend the rest of my life being a mouthpiece for Him.