faith unfaded

That’s my favorite line from Unspoken’s new single “Where My Joy Comes From.”

I thrived in the rebellion.

Whether I was rebelling against my parents, my teachers, or even God, I was fueled by the fire.

I even did a stint as a rebel with a cause, firing up my passion to come against corruption in the community and sin in the church.

It was part of my DNA.

I’m not speaking metaphorically; the Lord once gave me a breakdown of how I’d been made.

50% Heart of David (Even in my mess, I always had a big heart. Fortunately it could sometimes speak louder than my actions.)

20% Fire of Jeremiah (Not only is there a consuming fire I once tried to shut up in my bones, there’s a bit of an Old Testament prophet in me.)

5% Mary, Mother of Jesus (my maternal nature has served me well as a babysitter turned mom turned teacher turned grandma)

5% Mary Magdalene (the whole story, beginning to end. Enough said.)

5% Martha, sister of Lazarus (That’s the extremely organized, all hands on deck, Type A part of me that’s only a hindrance when I give works precedence over a surrendered will.)

5% Mary, sister of Lazarus (I made that 95% of my life last year, sitting at the feet of Jesus and doing nothing. It was permitted but for a season.)

If you’ve done the math so far, you know that leaves 10%. That’s where the rebel came in.

That 10% is in us all and it’s called FREE WILL.

I have had many different spirits occupy that 10% in my life.

Last year, I had a spirit of Balaam, wicked and desiring materialistic things over God. You’d be surprised to know how many literal donkeys he put in my path.

Before that I decorated an altar for my favorite longtime idol. You may know it better as a television console.

I’ve been Jonah on the road to Nineveh.

I’ve been Peter, running from God out of shame and guilt.

If the Lord gave me 10% of free will, I wanted 11.

And then I learned the power of surrender.

Watching strongholds break in my life, healing from trauma, finding new patterns to escape triggers…it wasn’t so hard with complete submission to Christ.

I always felt like something was missing in my life. I knew the Lord so it wasn’t as cut and dry as “now that I’ve found the Lord I’ve become whole.”

I knew the Lord and still had places inside of me that were empty.

I know now that was the free will in me rebelling against God. That was the part some people called the “gray” area of spirituality.

With God there is no gray.

When I fully surrendered and my will solely became HIS will for my life, everything changed. In my circumstances, in my mind, and in my heart….I was set free, redeemed.

I know WHERE MY JOY COMES FROM. It comes from Him alone. It came when I stopped worrying about my plans and desires and used my free will to run toward Him instead.

Check out the song: https://youtu.be/g3nUAXV_D1w?si=Cg-usBapOkFWmZhc