faith unfaded

As I lay in the bed fully rested, burrowed under the covers on this unseasonably chilly March morning, I am thankful. An uninterrupted night’s sleep is still not a guarantee, though I now cope with bouts of insomnia through therapeutic writing instead of entertaining intrusive thoughts.

I guard my mind much more proactively these days.

I can’t afford not to; the mental madness used to threaten to take me out nightly.

I must protect my mental health at all costs.

This realization brings about an a-ha moment of which I must issue a public apology.

I’m sorry for making it all about me.

Visiting with an old friend last night, we reminisced on our high school days. She’d described the typical teenaged attitude of living in her land, her town, her world, with absolutely no awareness that the whole universe was not created solely to supportively orbit her life.

I laughed at the absurdity of our youth.

Then I realized that in my journey to reclaim my youth and innocence in Christ last year, I’d picked up this unhealthy attitude as well.

I made it all about me.

In true teen fashion, I decided you were either for me or against me. A step back meant you hated me and I lashed out when feeling rejected.

A mirror moment…

I’ve had a few friends disappointed by my own step back lately. They are hurt and confused. They want more than I can give and they’ve taken it personally that my availability has waned.

I had no choice; managing my own mental health is still a full-time job. I guard my peace like it’s Fort Knox.

Why didn’t I allow others the same courtesy?

I got as upset at polite dismissals as I did at being ghosted. Satan used them both to torment me with lies that I was never really loved by anyone.

I should’ve been more vigilant.

But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3

They had to protect their own hearts and minds then just as I am doing now. Most still loved me and prayed for me like I’m doing for those I’ve taken a step back from as well.

Who knows? Some might’ve actually thrown in the towel; I have a tendency to throw dynamite into relationships that aren’t what I want them to be. I can be the queen of self-sabotage.

But I am truly sorry.

We shouldn’t be making it harder for each other. We need to respect the mental health of others just as we do our own.

Wherefore exhort one another, and build each other up, even as also ye do. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Not everyone can voice their needs as effectively as the friend I’d been working with on a timely story.

“Can we circle back to this later? I need to take some time for myself right now.” she’d said.

I got it; I’d just taken almost a year of “me time” myself. Her needs trumped my wants. Her heart took precedence over a newspaper article. Her mental health mattered.

This is true of everyone. Prioritize yourself, your mental health, and your relationship with Christ over all.

In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Proverbs 3:6

Some can’t verbalize their needs, though. The need to preserve or achieve positive mental health might look more like the phone not ringing or feet walking away. My personal tormentor is a pic popping up on Messenger showing my messages were read and left unanswered.

Satan loves to have a field day with that one in my heart.

It’s just another nerf gun in his arsenal. Its power is only in my mind.

Sometimes people are just protecting their mental health. They might be guarding their relationship with their Creator. We should all be.

More than anything you guard, protect your mind, for life flows from it. Proverbs 4:23