faith unfaded

I think it’s important for anyone to trying to grow and heal to acknowledge their successes, no matter how small. After all, there will be plenty to point out when you still fail, your missteps confirming to them that you have not changed at all.

Stand firm.

A neighbor’s dog attacked my dog last week. She was shaken, but not hurt. Unable to comfort her in person, I was triggered. I’d already witnessed the death of my beloved chihuahua two years ago at the hands of this same dog. The pain and grief overwhelmed me.

My trigger finger was still a little itchy in general so I isolated myself until I knew I wouldn’t cause destruction. I did well. I paused; I calmed down. I haven’t completely failed.

But destruction remains at the tip of my tongue, its spewing venom only magnifying in my head when I refuse to allow its passage to its intended recipient.

There’s still so much anger.

I won’t feel it for days; I’ll believe it’s gone. But then someone cuts me off in traffic and my oft-impending road rage reminds me. The sheer pleasure I get in their terrified eyes as I retaliate reminds me that I still need to find a mental health provider.

And Lord help the loved ones who betray me.

Because of my love for them and my desire to serve Christ, I’ve been turning the other cheek. But then the words I WANT to say get louder and louder in my head. The anger inside me grows like a funneling tornado cloud, picking up steam. It is destroying me from within. Letting go seems impossible.

The Bible says to go to that person.

But what does it say to do once you have? And they keep spreading lies and dismissing you?

Create boundaries? Check.

Recognize it’s mostly about them? Check.

Let go and let God?

Yeah, that’s where I stumble.

I’ve said this before. I can only hurt over a situation for so long before it turns to anger. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. The problem is, I’m not indifferent. I still love deeply even after being hurt.

I will go to hell and back on my hands and knees in tears to save a relationship. But when I’m done, I’m done. Tears stop; revenge comes, its poison stronger than water or blood.

I must break this cycle.

Or I’m going to end up destroying people.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 18:21