faith unfaded

I always loved this song. It was my favorite of all the WOW Worship songs.

HEART OF WORSHIP (When the Music Fades)

When the music fades
All is stripped away,
and I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You, all about You, Jesus
I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
When it’s all about You, all about You, Jesus

I’d been very vocal about spiraling at the feet of Jesus. Not only did He allow it but He surrounded me with loved ones. The music was more a cacophony of blended and bitter notes, bordering more on madness than melody. But everyone came for the show.

They didn’t all care, some merely can’t avert their eyes when passing a train wreck. But notoriety was preferable to isolation at that point in my life, and many genuinely cared. The support was amazing and necessary for growth and healing. I’d go through the ensuing pain all over again just to reach that point of feeling accepted and free.

But when the music finally stopped it was just me and Him.

This wasn’t necessarily by choice at first.

Realizing I needed closure and to alleviate increasing PTSD symptoms, I found myself on a very long, last-minute journey. After 14 hours of driving, I was nowhere near home, nearly broke, and completely exhausted. Knowing sleep would likely elude me, I just wanted a couple of hours sleep on a couch somewhere or a dinner with friends to break the drive up. Fortunately I was coming up on a 2-hour span where many of my most vocal supporters lived.

I pulled over and sent a few messages out.

The messages came back swiftly. They were kind, loving rejections.

I know I’m still easier to love from afar but if my heart was already broken, it shattered completely that day. I may be a middle-aged woman but I felt like a scared little girl all alone in the world with nowhere to turn in the pitch black night.

Sometimes that’s exactly where He wants us.

I befriended a Circle K clerk off the interstate who came out to sweep the parking lot frequently as I slept in the brightly lit parking lot for a couple of hours. Knowing she was looking out for me allowed me to get some much needed rest and finish my journey safely.

I withdrew a little more, having already hewn down a lot of wheat as I’d furiously ripped the tares out of my life. But I couldn’t take offense. I’ve always called myself a pragmatic idealist. I may have dreamed of a red carpet welcome, but I understood the need for padlocked doors. No one loved me any less. This was just a journey I had to complete alone.

I then had to face everything I’ve spent a lifetime running from.

So much good. So much bad. So much I did wrong. So much wrong done to me. Abuse, addiction, mental illness…but where my traumas and triggers abound, grace does much more abound.

I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it…when it’s all about You…

I both love and hate this quiet place. For some reason the chaos is still appealing at times. But it’s also exhausting. It also brings vices.

I alone determine the peace quotient in my life. Victimizing myself or throwing a pity party serves no purpose other than to waste more time. Spiraling in my head is bad enough; self-control keeps it mostly there instead of out of my mouth as I allow the Holy Spirit to continue refining and healing me.

I’ll always have fire because, quite frankly, I lost that part of me once and felt my soul wither up. But I can temper the flames instead of causing a blazing inferno each time.

That starts with this song…coming back to the heart of worship and remembering it’s all about Jesus.