faith unfaded

I have to say there are many similarities as well as many differences between the Russell Crowe biopic about mathematician John Nash and my life.

It’s a little harder to sort out mental illness when there’s a fair amount of gaslighting going on. That’s not a slam; I truly believe the devil can take innocent words from anyone and use them to make a person question their own sanity.

In any case, it makes it harder to address the root issue because you can never be sure exactly what that is.

That’s why a retreat like the one I’ve been blessed to attend is a godsend. Get away from the hustle and bustle of life, even away from loved ones, and get alone with God. Sometimes He is the only who can restore you when you reach a place no man can help you with.

That was certainly the case with my mind.

I’d already gone through the physical battle. After my third hospitalization in as many months, I was done. I even declined calling an ambulance after a terrifying seizure left me with dangerously low blood pressure.

I’m not exaggerating; my doctor wanted to shake my hand after seeing me survive a 50/30 blood pressure for 24 hours.

By the time I did go to the hospital, I really wasn’t sure if I even wanted to live. I was depressed, but unaware of its true depths, when the Lord asked me if I wanted to live.

Like I usually do, I took my time and fully debated before answering Him.

Yes, I decided. I want to live.

Then let’s do this….

We went on a fun adventure for six months after that as I grew in strength and shrank in pounds. I regained my health and learned discipline through exercise and my food choices. He miraculously healed some things as I grew to accept others.

I’ll take the midlife wisdom over the 20-something body any day.

I started writing again. I started ministering again. And I started to LIVE.

The devil tried to derail me physically but I rebuked him at every turn. There were silent battles at home and several of my loved ones were enduring their own personal tragedies but I could not be stopped.

Turning everything over to God, I stayed silent in my prayer closet for months.

Then the mental attack came.

It was fierce. Was it me? Him? God? The devil? Is this good? Is this bad? I started questioning 54 years of stuff.

These questions swirled in a loop.

In case you were wondering, the answer to ALL of the above was YES. All of it yes….just at different times. I was told by the Lord to leave it there. I’m done sorting. I’ve always said I wasn’t completely innocent nor am I completely guilty in my own life. I think we can all say that.

But I’m just EXTRA. At least that’s what my youngest daughter calls it. I’m going to feel it a little deeper and a spiral a little harder. But it’s also what makes me go the extra mile in everything I do. And why I will walk through hell again just so you don’t have to do it alone.

I’m okay with that now. I truly am rediscovering myself and remembering that I actually like who God made me to be. A little rebel for Jesus with a heart as big as Texas. I can move forward now.

But in the midst of the chaos, it was overwhelming.

I can look back and see that I grabbed ahold of a long-dormant mental illness I used as a child to cope with non-familial trauma. I escaped into music and long drives. I acted foolishly and impulsively. I found myself searching for the Lord, and often finding Him, but also segueing into hyper religious manic bouts.

I was never unaware of what was happening and allowed every personality and spirit a voice on my social media, even allowing them to identify themselves at times.

It was insanity and, as was pointed out publicly, it did not show the picture of a child of Christ. This was not an untrue statement even though many took offense.

I was aware of the damage I was doing to my testimony. But was I really supposed to keep parading out a testimony that had somehow turned into a mask? It wasn’t real and it was destroying my soul.

So I let my beautiful mind show….

What some people didn’t realize was that there were days I’d voice my crazy but no one in my real life could even tell anything was wrong unless they’d followed my page. I functioned just fine.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

Sometimes it isn’t the devil making you uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s God.

There are times when He says that’s it….

He didn’t ask me a second time if I wanted to live. I’d already answered Him. The mental battle ended near death just as the physical one had. But God already had a plan. It was just up to me to keep walking.

And I am.

At the risk of sounding self-absorbed or repeating myself, I cannot end this post without mentioning the people who have rallied around me. From childhood playmates to former coworkers to former and current church friends to previous employers and teachers to family, near and far, and to friends, new and old, I have been surrounded.

It has been a ray of light.

And it’s shown me two things.

1) I can’t be that bad of a person if this many people care. Hearing your positive memories of me reminded me that I have a good heart. Somehow I lost sight of my good qualities and could only see the bad.

But most importantly,

2) God has ALWAYS been there. He hasn’t just put PEOPLE in my life; He’s given me real FRIENDS. Ones that love you and pray for you at your worst. That accept you with open arms when you are whole again, never keeping score. He knew I needed the connections and even in my darkest hours when I felt completely alone, I can look back and see where He always had someone nearby for me.

I must not lose sight of that again.

Back to another lovely day of writing and walking, and restoring my soul….

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full. John 15:11