faith unfaded

Malachi 4:5-6 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

During the time of King Ahab, God explained, “Surely the Lord GOD does nothing, unless He reveals His secret to His servants the prophets” (Amos 3:7). To announce the punishment and warn the nation to change its ways, God sent a messenger, Elijah the prophet.

Just like in the Old Testament, He will send the spirit of Elijah out before the day of judgment. It’s our own personal last call. You know when you’re at a bar and they say last call and you get your drinks and your stuff together because pretty soon the lights will be on and the party’s over? It’s exactly like that. Only when the party’s over, the lights go out. And they don’t come back on the next night.

Where are you going to be on that day?

In the light? Or in the dark?

I know the dark. I love the dark. I stayed there for over three years. Ate, slept, self-medicated, zoned out in front of the tv. I was existing, not living. and I knew it. I didn’t care.

Then I woke up and started feeling alive again and began walking in the Spirit for the first time in years when I realized that walking in the spirit with pent-up anger was not walking in the Spirit after all but in the spirit (little s). And I really didn’t care. I did but I didn’t. I was awake and I was mad.

I posted on FB this past week that old demons felt like a warm, cozy bed. That’s great…but it’s getting hot out here and you’re going to suffocate under all those covers. I was. The Lord was gracious and let me have 2-3 weeks of playing but then I had to decide.

I chose Him.

It took a few more days before I could go to my husband and apologize for putting him in the role of enemy. He’s the one who’s been here for 23 years. Of course, my anger is directed at him. Isn’t he the only one I live with?

ah, but remember…

2 Corinthians 10:4

 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

When did this battle REALLY start?

It started when I was five and molested.

I knew I had a special light in me. I knew I had a special relationship with the Lord. I’ve always known, even in my darkest hours and in my deepest despair. But every time I got it right again, something would happen or someone would come along and put that light out.

The last time my “torch was nearly snuffed” was right after we moved here. I was walking in the Spirit and going places with Dale felt like we were magnets for people. Even Lowe’s, top producer of employees who know no customer service skills, had workers coming to us to see if we needed help.

Side note: I discovered the full magnitude of what the Lord could do when Dale sent me to Lowe’s alone to get some plumbing and the words rolled off my tongue like butter and, in the moment, I understood exactly what I was asking for and how it worked. (Today, all I remember is some thingy for something broke on some doohickey and we needed a new one.)

But after just a few years of spiritual warfare, I was done. I wanted recess. I needed a nap. And I blamed my husband for everything. My light got dimmer and dimmer. I tried to replace it with works. “But I cook for everyone. I clean the church. I organize stuff for people.”

Great!

But what are you doing spiritually?

Um, nothing.

I know some people hate Jelly Roll and his music and I admit it sounded pretty blasphemous to me when I first heard him. But then I ended up right where he sings about. First, in Save Me. He sings “Somebody save me, me from myself, I’ve spent so long living in hell.” I was there. I was trying to hold things together privately in my personal life while dealing with the strains of economic pressure affecting not just me but several people within the church and occasionally the church itself. And, if that wasn’t enough, my children were going through some fierce battles with each other and I couldn’t take my MOM goggles off long enough to effectively see and pray for the situation.

I completely believe the Lord heard the prayer of my heart when I played this song on repeat for four solid days. I couldn’t even find the words. Jelly Roll did..

“Something inside of me’s broken; I hold on to anything that sets me free. I’m a lost cause; baby don’t waste your time on me. I’m so damaged beyond repair. Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams.”

Is that uplifting?

Absolutely not.

Is it real?.

100%

I knew it was wrong. I remember when I’d first heard the song. “Oh my gosh. How awful it must be to feel that way,” I thought. Ha! Who knew I’d be singing it myself less than two months later?

Then came Halfway to Hell. Another song I felt was just blasphemy until I found myself lit with both holy and hellfire. “This little light of mine. (Dang) near burned me alive. Lord knows that Mama tried. And I don’t know if I’m halfway to Heaven or halfway to hell. My angels and demons at war with myself.”

I wasn’t sure which way I was going to go. Some days I took multiple trips to each destination, one right after the other. Kind of like a kid at an amusement park, going back and forth between the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster all day and all night long.

But guess what? The Lord didn’t have to make multiple announcements that the park was closing. I had my fun and I pretended I had a choice to make but I didn’t.

Like Jonah, He has a plan for my life and He’s going to get me there. I know this; I’ve always known this. I just like to be stubborn too.

Doesn’t he just love us stubborn ones?

Once the decision was made, it became clear. My battle was never with my husband. Hence my apology. It didn’t start 3 years ago or 9 years ago or even 12 or 23 or 35. It started in 1974 when the devil first tried to put my light out.

But this isn’t Survivor and Satan’s tribe doesn’t get to speak. Only the Lord can snuff your torch. You do NOT want that to happen.

How do you prevent that from happening? You stay in the Spirit. The HOLY Spirit.

But it’s important to note here that this where you have to put on the armor of God. And the more “clothes” you wear underneath, the less snug it will fit. Some of you need to start stripping.

Where can you start? Start at the very next verse in 2 Corinthians 10.

⁵ Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…

The mind is a battlefield. And the deeper you go, the darker it can get. That’s why I love it when the Lord cuts through the noise when He speaks through me. Because I need people who can cut through the noise for me as well.

The Lord gave me a word when we moved here 9 years ago. I wrote it down because it was so simple yet so profound.

Some will come bearing no fruit. Be not dismissive; neither waste your time.

I give everyone a chance to speak. I usually can sort out quickly whether to stay or move on. But I don’t have that kind of discernment unless I’m operating in the fullness of the Holy Ghost. Otherwise I’m doing it in my own might. That’s a word He gave me in 2019.

I’m sure I’ll always be growing and learning. We all will. You just have to decide if you’re going to sit in the back of the room and skate by or move up closer and really apply yourself. God doesn’t use seating charts. You get to pick your own seat….