I Gotta Be Honest…

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If there’s one thing I swore I’d always do in this blog, it would be to remain open and honest.

“Throwing open the closet door to all my skeletons” has been my claim and I haven’t shied away from revealing my darkness.

However, this blog is for inspiring and providing hope to those who are traveling through the darkness themselves, so I carefully write AFTER the battle has been won. I don’t like to write when I’m in the midst of a battle, finding commiseration to be more harmful than helpful.

So I’ve been careful. Always be positive. Always show victory, even when showing the defeat that came first. And ALWAYS post regularly. Three times a week, without fail, I posted.

If I was going on vacation, I scheduled posts. I kept a post or two ready in case I wasn’t feeling well or something came up that week. I made sure I had a week’s worth ready to go when the grandkids came to visit for sure!

But then the coronavirus came.

And I retreated.

I was the lone church member who WANTED to be around during the rapture to spread life and hope in a lively HYPOTHETICAL discussion we had a few years ago.

I was not prepared to put my money where my mouth was.

This pandemic has caused me to retreat faster than a turtle’s head as a car speeds by.

I wanted to lock down, lock my doors, and pull the covers over my head.

For the most part, I’ve done almost just that.

I’m scared. I’m anxious. And I’ve had nothing positive to say.

One week turned to two, three missed posts turned to 12, and I felt like I was neglecting my child. THIS, this blog, is my ministry. And I abandoned it.

The social distancing isn’t wrong. My husband has had symptoms of the virus, and unable to get tested, we’ve been self-isolating at home. There’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, it is EXACTLY what we should be doing.

There are some benefits. We’ve gotten a lot of rest, and we’ve had some quality time together without the distractions of her usual busy daily routines.

But, even sick, he has continued to preach, holding four services online each week and studying working on a book on 1 John.

I’ve read four books, binge-watched series, and played games on my tablet.

The difference hasn’t escaped my attention.

I’ll have bouts of clarity and determination. I have a notebook with two pages of blog topics specifically about this time in our life. I’ll go to bed determined to write, and minister, and be positive the next day.

And I wake up…and pull the covers back over my head.

I don’t know why I’m so anxious. The pressure of others who are anxious to resume life as we once knew it weighs on me.   The fear that I’ll never want to resume life as it once was worries me too. What if I stay in this funk forever?

What if the Lord stops giving me revelation to share because I refuse to share it? How much more patience does He have to have with me? How much more will I have with myself?

Then the devil steps in. No one is reading your blog anyway. Who are you kidding? You’re not helping anyone. And I allow myself to be both wounded and comforted by the words.

My life means nothing. Oh well. Guess I don’t have to worry about writing after all.

But I know, when my own self-doubt and the devil’s darts are stripped away, that the voice of the Lord rings clear:

(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…  2 Corinthians 2:4-5

In another words, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

Check back tomorrow for a NEW post and feel free to flood my inbox if you don’t see it!!!

 

2 thoughts on “I Gotta Be Honest…

  1. I can certainly relate to this. I have watched more Netflix and played more games on my phone than I care to admit. Many mornings, I have pulled the covers over my head. I appreciate your openness about this. I go back and forth about whether working on my severely neglected blog is a waste of time but lately, I realized even if it is, it isn’t anymore of a waste than bingeing on Netflix. Still it’s hard at times to get out of bed. God bless you!

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  2. I do believe we have felt this fear. Not many would be honest to say it like you did.

    I was fearful of this virus. I had to open up to my husband about my feelings. He prayed for me to be stronger. I know Jesus knew how fearful I had become.

    My joy had left me. But it was when I was in God’s presence that He restored my joy back to me.

    It’s okay to be scared and afraid. For we are still in this old vessel. Living in this sinful world.

    God knows our hearts better then we know it. I can honestly say I am not afraid. I use precautions as instructed my the CDC and Government. But I can’t allow this virus or anything rob me of what my Lord has given me.

    Amen.

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